Friday, May 31, 2002

I'm in key boarding my first class of the day YEA! We have a sub and it's my boy friend's "best friends" mom. It's friday and I have shit to do I am hoping that all my friend's go to a hotel "party" tonight. So I can spend time with my boyfriend. I know I live with him but we are at home at night and I never get to "hang out" with him by myself. Everyone is always around. Every weekend all my friend's spend the night and during the week we are always off smoking weed. I am not trying to keep him to myself all the time but just us would be nice every once and awhile. I have nothing to do tonight so I'm shit out of luck.:( I feel as if I bore him when we are alone. I think I do. It seems like he always wants to be with other people and only be with me at night when we are at home. SHITTY!!! I'll get over it if he wants to hang out with all his friend's I'm not going to take them away from him. Not like I can I mean if he would rather be with all of us then thats ok i guess. O well I'll live not like it's going to change anything now that I say it I know it won't . I don't know what I'm doing sat. or sun. I wanna do mushrooms!!! those are awesome. My hook got jacked a few weeks back and I have not tried to get them since. Maybe I should try. urgey! don't you just love inside jokes no one gets? I wish I could go to abbyland this weekend and ride the abbyrides and eat abbywhiches. Can I kick you? Will you buy me a mini penguin? Or a spa because I'll only have sex with you in a spa. HEHE over your head!!!

Thursday, May 30, 2002

Wow! I went to school today.I was feeling like shit I didnt get much sleep the night before. I did ok I think, I went to all my classes but one I said I was sick. I have to go to my classes because I have court and if I go to all my classes they might just drop it. I have not went to school the last two days but those were excused. FUCK SCHOOL!!! Damn I don't have that much longer but I don't want to do it.I still have 3 years 4 at the rate I'm going. Damn it's hotter then a mother fucker. I have nothing to talk about that is why this is soo boring to read. Everything is going well in my life... I love my lil boy more than anything. He is so awesome.
HAHA! hmmmm..... I know I shouldn't be saying this because I'm not allowed to talk to her, but I had the most shitty Birthday this year and ever few people said happy birthday to me and the people that did it meant a lot to me no matter who it was soooo.... HAPPY BIRTHDAY EMMAH!!!!!

Tuesday, May 28, 2002

I'm home sick today I have a cold my friend gave me that bastard! I get sick so easy. Last night was the worst night of my life. I thought I was going to lose the love of my life. For those who know me know that we always break up. This time was diffrent. I went insane. I could not breath nor function. I should not be talking about this because I don't think the world should know what happened. Put it this way I was about to make the worst "last" mistake of my life. I love Livermore I don't want to leave but my dad is making me. I had no idea could not live without my love untill last night. I am done being the biggest bitch in the world to him just because I know he will stay. I know it is fucked up but I do love him I am done pushing it's all about pulling now. This might seem really fucked up but if you understood me you would know that I want him in my life and if I didn't I would not be with him. The whole reason why I'm still in Livermore is because of him. I don't want to see the day where I cry because I know I'll never see him again. I know my dad is looking out for me by making me move, but not when I have the best thing in the world a room away. I have no idea if I'm making any sence because I'm not the best person that shows their feelings I like to keep them inside untill I can't hold it in anymore. I know I keep changing the subject but I feel like i have no one to talk to. I mean I have alot of shit running through my head. I can't get over my boyfriend's x girlfriend. We hated eachother then we got along then we hated eachother now we are ok but I cant talk to her. I understand her so well I don't know what she thinks about me but we have or had alot of the same problems. I should not be talking about her. I just think it is strange how I don't know her that well but what I know of her is that she is like me. She pushes me away from my boyfriend because she is stuck in my head. I need to get over that "her" and pull him close. Last night he made a good point about my first love, and said he moved past my x. I need to do the same I don't know what it is that bugs me so much about her and him, but I need to calm down and not worry about things in the past, and worry more about us and our future.

Monday, May 27, 2002

I hate being the world's biggest fuck up. I don't go to school I smoke and I drink. I don't live with my parent's because my mom hit's me and does not want me around. Well I should not put it all on her I mean it is all my fault. I am 15 years old living with my boyfriend. I love him alot and he does not think I do. We fight all the time and it's all because of me and how I fuck up so much in everything I do. It's so shitty having someone in your life care about you so much and you keep pushing them away. I need to open my eyes and see that he loves me and that he would do anything in the world for me if not more. I mean he already has. I look in his eyes and notice that he is hurt and walk away because I don't know what to do. I fuck up soo much I don't know why he is still here. I tell him I don't trust him when I have no reason not to. He is all I have and all that I need. It sad knowing the fact that out of everyone in my family and friends a guy I met 3 to 4 months ago is the one that is here for me. I'm glad it is him. I need to stop being so stupid and love him back the way he loves me. I do love him as much as he loves me but I don't show it as much as him. I need to start!