Saturday, July 06, 2002

I'm all sad. I can't stop crying. Anthony went to New York for 9 days. I'm moping around my house calling him as much as I think of him. *every 2 secs* He is coming back early. YEA!!!!!!!! On Wed. He said he does not like it there an that he misses me. I miss him soo much. Are 4 months is on Sunday. Not that big Wow 4 months. It's nce that he is gonna be here. God damn it. My mom thinks i whipped. io walk around crying and she asks if I wanna go do something. Those who know my mom know that she would not ask that. i said no to CLOTHES!!!!! fuck dude. I would much rather stay home and talk to him. I hate the feeling of a empty hear and I am so lonely. I love him soo much. No1 understand. I want him back here. I can't wait to be in his arms again.

1:30 A.M.
Okay... I'm not in the best mood. I just got off the phone with Anthony. We had a long talk about about how much he loves me and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I want that so much. We got in a fight today because I was moping around my house crying because he is away. I mean I see him every day, but I can't stand him not being by my side. He told me to go out, so I did. My mom knew that I was upset. She said be home at 10. I went to the lake around 6 or so, left at like 7. I went home and asked if I could go midnight bowling. She said alright. Anthony called and asked why I was not home. I said i was going out till later. We got off the phone and he called again. He asked what time I had to be home I said 230 he got mad and yelled and I hung up. It went on... He kept calling I kept hanging up. After about the third time Freddy said nope he won't call back. Then it rang again. hang ups and call backs went on about 7or 8times. I feel so bad now that I hung up on him so much, but he kept calling back. I know he cares just becuase he trys so hard to make "us" work. Ryan and Freddy ditched Jeff and I for some bitch. I didnt go bowling. I talked to Anthony for about 2 hours on the phone. He always says that he loves me more than he has ever loved. He says that I always say that he always compares me to Emmah, and that I say he wants me to be like her. Then he said that he would never have tried this hard for her. He would have never kept callin her back. I know he is way over her. I know that I am the one he wants. He is starting to undestand me. I really believe this is going to last. Those who know, know that we fight EVERYDAY. It is worth it. Honestly it is. Speaking of telling the truth... I know I should not be reading her journal but fuck... She is NOT over him. I don't think so any ways. Every other day he is in her journal. She still emails him. When is it going to stop? The lies. I need to start to open my eyes (like Anthony says) and see what I have. He is amazing.

I saw Chrs yesterday. That was cool. I never see him. That was nice. He is really nice guy. i wish we talked more. * I DON'T MEAN ANYTHING BY THAT* I really do think that ALL of us should go do things, more things. I know people have better shit to do then spend time with me, but I really like just every1 hanging out, with NO drama. I honestly think that she i better than me. I feel myself trying to turn into her. So people would at least half ass care. It doesn't work. I just try to make it to where people understand. People seem to like, and undestand her more. I wanna die.

Tuesday, July 02, 2002

Happiness reigns throughout the day, Nikole, as you enjoy the fruits of all your hard work over the past few years and are able to pursue a few things that you've never before been able to do. You're likely to be surrounded with old friends and new, and romance blossoms. You're also likely to be looking especially beautiful now. If all this sounds too good to be true - well, wake up! It's really happening. Enjoy!

Hmmm..... That's one weird day? I've never heard that come out of any1s mouth. Not that nice. Of course the computer said it. Why would some1 think that "happy" about me. Today was an okay day, I guess. I mean, why wouldn't it be I was with my baby. I mean in the morning I was not woken up by the greatest thing, the po po. But HEY... I was with Anthony. That made my day. Every time there is a smile on his face I'm the happiest person alive. I love being with him, around him, or having anything that has to do with him. He is the greatest. I love him more than life it self. I mean that. He is the most important thing in my life.

NO 0NE 1MPORTANT (11:16:03 PM): Hey.
hed PE 3516 (11:16:51 PM): hey
hed PE 3516 (11:16:58 PM): whats happening
NO 0NE 1MPORTANT (11:17:59 PM): nada you
hed PE 3516 (11:18:05 PM): not much
NO 0NE 1MPORTANT (11:18:24 PM): kewl
NO 0NE 1MPORTANT (11:18:28 PM): how was your day?
hed PE 3516 (11:18:37 PM): um pretty work related
NO 0NE 1MPORTANT (11:22:40 PM): kewl
hed PE 3516 (11:25:29 PM): how was your day
NO 0NE 1MPORTANT (11:25:45 PM): okay.
NO 0NE 1MPORTANT (11:25:47 PM): No
NO 0NE 1MPORTANT (11:25:51 PM): It was great!!!
hed PE 3516 (11:26:01 PM): y
hed PE 3516 (11:28:42 PM): why
NO 0NE 1MPORTANT (11:30:21 PM): I was with Anthony, what else
hed PE 3516 (11:32:43 PM): why do you like him so much
NO 0NE 1MPORTANT (11:34:03 PM): Why wouldn't I freddy... He is perfect.... in everway.
NO 0NE 1MPORTANT (11:34:13 PM): I don't like him at all. I
NO 0NE 1MPORTANT (11:34:18 PM): I love him.
hed PE 3516 (11:34:32 PM): oh shut up
hed PE 3516 (11:34:39 PM): hes not perfect
NO 0NE 1MPORTANT (11:35:57 PM): Fuck you freddy.
NO 0NE 1MPORTANT (11:36:03 PM): He is in my eye's
NO 0NE 1MPORTANT (11:36:09 PM): Fuck you what do you know.
NO 0NE 1MPORTANT (11:37:19 PM): huh?
hed PE 3516 (11:37:35 PM): cuz nobody is
NO 0NE 1MPORTANT (11:38:58 PM): He is in my eye's
NO 0NE 1MPORTANT (11:39:10 PM): Tell me...
how is he not?
NO 0NE 1MPORTANT (11:40:28 PM): huh?
NO 0NE 1MPORTANT (11:40:43 PM): He is a great friend...
isn't he?
hed PE 3516 (11:41:09 PM): yea but hes not perfect
NO 0NE 1MPORTANT (11:45:41 PM): Freddy that's where you are wrong buddy....
NO 0NE 1MPORTANT (11:46:07 PM): Maybe not to you, but in my eyes....
I could ask for nothing more.
hed PE 3516 (11:46:32 PM): hes not perfect he threw a lime at me and hit me in the face repediately because i wouldnt buy him chicken nuggets
NO 0NE 1MPORTANT (11:48:23 PM): HAHA!!!!
NO 0NE 1MPORTANT (11:48:30 PM): Soo... you got to love him...

Monday, July 01, 2002

I have a black eye :(. I gave it to myself. You don't want to know how. It's no that big. Oh well. My first black eye in my life and I give it to myself. WTF? Haha. Long day. i wanna kill myself. I did some stupid shit today. I feel s bad I hurt my love. The last thing I want is to lose him. Fuck i'm soo stupid. Seriously. I should shoot myself. The rest of the day was okay. Everyone go high. I didn't but that's cool, I didn't fade. Anthony's LAST day of smoking for awhile. I am stopping to for him.
My sister is out here!!!!!!!! Not the one I just met but my other one. Yea!!!!!! I can't wait to see her. I saw my grandpa yesterday. I was going to go out to my dad's house to see him, but my dad flaked. He went out of town said he would be back and come to my house at 5. I called him at 6 and he was 2 hours away. grrr... but he showed up.

Sunday, June 30, 2002

Look... I know you made "love" to Anthony quite a few times but I'm tired of hearing about it. I know how he feels when other people that I have done shit with come up. Fucking A dude. No1 wants to hear about that shit. Like how you fucked him that one time we broke up. I can't believe I'm about to say this but..... it did not happen unless I'm brain washed, and a stupid stupid blonde, i don't believe it. If I find out other wise I won't be to happy. There is no1 that has seen me when I'm hella pist off, but my mom. I go pyscho. I know you prolly don't care. Chris member that one time at Jeff's we walked to 7 11 and you bought a pac cause I hella wanted one bad. (I thank you for that). But you said that I didn't look like i could like punch and fuck shit up but I was the type that would grab a bat? Yea. That's true. Every1 that really knows me knows I would do something like that. I'm not saying I would do something like that but that is scary. I don't know what I'm doing when I get mad.